You know that moment when you think you have everything figured out? The plans are set, you can visualize everything falling into place, and you’re prepared to conquer anything that could possibly get in the way of your goal. You’re so close to reaching that goal you can practically taste victory….then just as you’re about to revel in your success, the unthinkable happens. A roadblock that you didn’t anticipate stands in your way and you realize there is absolutely no way around it. Your life has suddenly hit a bump in the road. Things are no longer going according to plan. All that time you spent striving for that goal, WORTHLESS. You feel shame, disappointment, and embarrassment in yourself for not being able to achieve what you set out to do. Ever been there? What on earth do you do now?!
That was ME earlier this year.
Beautiful wedding dress found at Henri’s Cloud Nine
To make a long, story short, I got engaged to this guy I had been with for 4 years. Everything seemed to be going to plan. I was working out wedding details (the dress, the DJ, the invitations, the venue…. the whole shebang) and began to dream of all the wonderful things in store for us in our married years. I was definitely head over heels for this man and thought that he was without a doubt the man God had picked for me, despite the many issues we faced throughout our relationship. As the date of the wedding was quickly approaching, I continued to plan our future and got more and more excited for what was to come. Then the unthinkable happened…4 months before the wedding, he called it off. “This isn’t working, I can’t marry you. I don’t think we should be together anymore.” I….was….DEVASTATED. Everything we had worked toward for the past 4 years, all the planning, all the compromising, the love we shared, the memories….all of it WORTHLESS in a blink of an eye. I found myself wondering the exact same question…What on earth do I do now?
Why am I sharing this rather painful story? Because I have realized that although not all of us go through a divorce or a broken engagement…we all go through hard times. Whether it’s losing a job, sickness, bankruptcy, death of a loved one, or something as simple as failing a test… we have ALL been there. It is in our human nature to make plans and look toward the future. We live in a society where we are constantly striving to make things faster, better, and more efficient. We are always looking to improve in someway. However, something crazy happens when our plans don’t go as expected. When we hit life’s speed bumps, which often tend to be painful, challenging, or frustrating, we often feel worthless, ashamed, angry, or defeated. Even if the hardship that we experienced was completely out of our control. Believe me, if I had known that my relationship would end the way it did I would have NEVER began it in the first place. Being able to admit that I am a 20 year old “engagement dumpee” was NOT among the many items on my bucket list. Quite honestly, what happened, almost a year ago now, has been such a source of pain and embarrassment that I avoided addressing my feelings or sharing my story for months. I definitely didn’t want to write a blog post about it! But as time went by and as I allowed myself to heal I learned quite a few things about myself, about people, and about life’s trials.
Lesson #1: Playing the victim gets you NO WHERE
Now let me first start out by saying, I understand that in some situations people really are victims. People or things did something harmful or hurtful to them that they did not deserve (rape, bullying, abuse, etc.) And I am not in any way encouraging people who have been hurt like this to excuse, hide, or pretend that it didn’t happen. I am simply saying that what has happened…happened and although we wish we could go back and prevent things… there is nothing we can do to change the past. I have learned that, even if you were the victim, continuing to act like a victim after the act is over only adds unnecessary heartache and stress to your life. Yes, something awful has happened to you and yes you do need and deserve time to heal, but once that process is through don’t continue to burden yourself with the thoughts and feelings of those dark days. I have met so many people (heck I have been this way myself at times!) who have grown to be so bitter, distrustful, or depressed because they refuse to let go of their hurt and anger of past events. My heart hurts for these people! What they don’t realize is that by holding on to these events and continuing to label themselves as victims they are robbing themselves of the JOY they could be experiencing today! I’ve had decided that I will no longer play the victim in any situation. It is my belief that when dealing with trials we all owe it to ourselves to spend time healing and then we must move on and allow ourselves the opportunity for the joy that the world has to offer.
Lesson #2: Be honest with yourself
I have learned that sometimes we get so wrapped up in our plans of how we want our lives to be, that we rarely stop and evaluate if there may be issues with our ideas and goals. In some cases, the goal is correct, but the way to get there is off; in other cases, what we think we want really isn’t right for us at all. That was the case in my relationship. I was so blindly in love with this man that I completely ignored the wise council of my friends and family and the many signs of trouble. They tried to tell me that the relationship wasn’t right, that we were too different, and that we fought too often, but I wouldn’t have it. I continued to lie to myself unknowingly because I wanted so desperately to fulfill my dream of a getting married and starting a family. Then, when it ended, I was shocked and blamed all our issues on him and didn’t stop to consider my part of the equation. At the time, I just could not handle the truth. I could not accept that I was half to blame for our failure. However, once I was completely honest with myself and reflected on our situation I realized that our relationship wasn’t as perfect as I imagined and that I had a lot to do with it. It was NOT all his fault! As my Dad likes to say, “It takes two to tango,” and we both had an active role in our relationship failure. Since admitting this, he and I have been able to put to rest some of our hurt and bitterness and are working toward friendship. Although when I think of him I may still experience some pain, I can honestly say that I have no ill will towards him and wish him all the best. This would not have been possible if I didn’t choose to be honest with myself.
Lesson #3: We need to REBOUND from life’s setbacks
I would say that the most important thing I discovered through this difficult journey is that it is okay to fail. Failure may be difficult and it’s obviously not the goal we strive for (I don’t know anybody who wakes up first thing in the morning and says, “Alright, I’m so pumped to fail ____ today!”), but it is an inevitable part of life. If our response after every failure is shame and embarrassment, we aren’t giving ourselves an opportunity to learn from our mistakes and improve. Some of the greatest minds in history only succeeded after many failures. Walt Disney was fired from his first job after being told that he had no creativity or imagination; afterwards he created the Walt Disney Company, which is now worth over $74 BILLION. Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard University before creating Microsoft. Thomas Edison was told by a teacher that he was “too stupid to do anything,” he later went on to invent amazing technologies like the light bulb, phonograph, and the motion picture camera (Onlinecollege.org). These are just a few of the MANY examples of people who used their failures to drive their successes. It is plain to see that failures can be used to push people to try harder, work smarter, and learn from their mistakes. Failure can be used to make us better. I like to call this idea of bouncing back from failure as the rebound. This is what we should all strive for. Rebounding from failures, rather than dwelling on them, can be the exact action that pushes us toward success. When I experienced my relationship failure, I had a decision to make. Was I going to dwell on my failures or was I going to take the lessons I learned from the experience and use them to make me better? I chose to learn from my failures and REBOUND from life’s setbacks. Will you?
These are just a few of the many lessons I am beginning to learn from not just this story but the plethora of other mistakes and failures I have made over the years. I am far, far from perfect and still have so much to learn about myself and the world. I hope that by sharing a few of my stories, I can help someone avoid the mistakes that I have made or at least help someone get through similar experiences.
Friends, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope that it has challenged or encouraged you to start rebounding from life’s hard times. Because regardless of how you may be feeling about yourself in this moment, you are pretty awesome and there is always going to be someone in your life who loves you and wants to see you succeed.
Thank you. I love you and am praying for you,
Jeanie
“50 Famously Successful People Who Failed At First”. OnlineCollege.org. 16 Feb. 2010. Web. 8 Nov. 2015.
The Rebound 